May 2013
6 posts
The Youngest Girl Alive: Kim Kardashian at the Met... →
caitraft:
Kim Kardashian at the Met Gala A Short Story by Cait Raft
Kim Kardashian sat on a toilet in the 2nd story bathroom of the Metropolitan Museum of Art and cried. She liked to take photos of herself crying. There was something about the way her tears rolled down her face. ”People think I’m ugly…
a short story about adam levine part 6
Adam Levine lay in bed at 2:30 AM as his roommate, Gene, screamed in the living room. Gene had broken a glass and couldn’t find the broom. Adam and Gene didn’t have a broom. Gene didn’t know this because Gene was drunk. Adam could get up and help him but Adam could also do a lot of things. He rolled over and hugged his pillow tight to his chest. Adam had smoked a joint and...
a short story about adam levine part 5
Adam Levine liked watching teen cam girls because he liked the little teen objects in their bedrooms. He liked the neon bras hanging over the backs of chairs and pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal cut out of magazines taped on their bureau. He liked the half-eaten burritos sitting abandoned on the desk next to their shitty laptops. He liked watching a life in motion more than he liked watching pixelated...
April 2013
4 posts
a short story about adam levine part 4
Adam Levine was lying down on a California King in Cabo San Lucas. He was sipping Patron out of the bottle and watching reruns of The Voice. Caroline Glaser was singing and Adam didn’t turn his chair around. “You fucking idiot,” he said aloud, “Look at those blowjob lips!” Adam knocked over a plate of egg rolls as he swung out of bed. He was surrounded by half-eaten...
A Short Story About Adam Levine Part 3
Adam Levine sat in the greenroom of The Voice hours after the last interns had gone home. He changed white t-shirts until he felt comfortable. Sometimes, late at night he would stumble out of bed. Leaving Amanda or Anne or Behati or whoever and step into his large, granite shower. He’d turn the heat up until it hurt to stand there and stare down at his dick. He’d pull it this way and...
March 2013
8 posts
WatchBest. Party. Ever.
A Short Story About Taylor Swift's Intern Who...
Taylor Swift’s intern, Josh, walked out of the recording studio. He guessed he was Taylor Swift’s intern. He had never met her himself. He was just a student at Vanderbilt. He had grown up in Houston. He had nice parents. They had a house with a lawn and a dog named Happy. If Taylor Swift knew his name he was shocked. His boss had kept him two hours late (typical) to organize...
Dreams
I had a dream I met Tom Cruise on a pirate ship and I asked Taylor Swift who was sitting on the deck drinking a coffee and reading magazines about herself to take a picture of us but every picture she took was blurry so I said “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, TAYLOR, WHAT ABOUT MY FACEBOOK?” She shook her head because she didn’t really care. Then I drove a car into a deep lake and swam up...
A Short Story About Adam Levine Pt. 2
Adam Levine sat with his hand on Amanda’s leg but he didn’t know why. He was too drunk to make out what her friends were saying but he could tell it was boring. It occurred to him that after the club he was expected to take Amanda home and make love to her. He took another sip of his scotch and soda. When Adam had sex with women he got this funny out-of-body experience where he heard...
February 2013
4 posts
WatchCan someone tell me if this guy is being serious or not?
A Short Story About Adam Levine
Adam Levine sat on the floor of his kitchen. It was 5 AM. His roommate, Gene, called Jesse to come deal with him but Jesse was busy. What the fuck did Jesse have to do? Adam WAS Maroon 5. He was pretty sure nobody knew Maroon 5 had any other members not to MENTION fucking Jesse. Adam leaned back against the kitchen island and played with a frayed corner of his wifebeater. The minute Tyler brought...
January 2013
2 posts
Watchsafeforworknotlife:
My theory is that this guy does not have a job because people with jobs don’t record videos of themselves listening to dubstep and taking huge bong hits at 7 AM.
December 2012
6 posts
A short story based on "I Hate Being Sober" by...
I HATE ALGEBRA CLASS I HATE ALGEBRA CLASS I HATE ALGEBRA CLASS WE GAVE MS. MATTHEWS EIGHT CAFFIENE PILLS AND SAID THEY WERE MINTS BUT THEY WEREN’T AND SHE SHIT HER PANTS WHICH WAS PRETTY FUNNY GUESS THAT WAS COOL BUT I HATE ALGEBRA CLASS I HAVE SOME COLT 45 IN A WATER BOTTLE WISH IT WAS VODKA BUT WE GAVE DA HOMELESS GUY 10 BUX FOR MCCORMICKS AND HE JUST RAN AWAY NOT COOL BUT WHATEVA GOT THEM...
Dear Dollar Beers,
You get me more than any man ever has. You hang out with me late on Saturday nights when I watch that one episode of Dawson’s Creek where Joey draws Jack naked and he gets an erection after talking about how sex is like a Degas painting— which in hindsight is the gayest thing I have ever heard and the fact nobody has suspected he’s gay yet completely boggles my mind. You...
Grauwyler
The night began at Noel’s Dad’s house. His dad had just moved out of a huge, old mansion off the lake. It was completely empty and Noel would host parties where he’d order pizza and we’d drink 40s, smoke grape Swisher Sweets and write our names on the walls in spray paint before we tore them down with baseball bats laughing. We built a five foot castle of red Solo cups and when we were done taking...
November 2012
10 posts
Rules For My Funeral
If I die tomorrow I want you guys to know what to do. Since I don’t have enough money to pay a lawyer to draft a will I guess Tumblr will have to do.
1. Get really really wasted. Immediately. Really fucked up. On whatever you can find. Vodka, bars, coke, meth, weed, a combination. If you’re there to watch me die and you think “Man, I could really use an oxy right now”...
Dear 20-Something White Men,
Why are you all such giant pussies? Are you all virgins or something? When did it become “cool” for the girl to make the move? I don’t have the time to pay attention to you all night hoping that if I try to kiss you you won’t pull away and gently say “I like you a lot but we can’t do this.” You do realize that by “totally not being an asshole”...
Dear Rich White Kids,
The Israeli-Palestinian conflict is the only cause you can think of to care about? What about the 15 million children living under the poverty line in the United States— the country you actually live in. What about the SWAT team that wounded an unarmed girl in DC for no reason? What about the fact that New Jersey was just destroyed by a hurricane? If we’re talking foreign affairs what...
2:30 am
he stood on the subway. some really high girl was staring at him. he hated the way his jawbone jutted out of his skin like he was some emaciated polish immigrant. all he ate was big macs and ranch dressing straight with tortilla chips. a drunk redhead in a sweater vest kept trying to get off the train on every stop before his fat girlfriend shrieked with laughter and pulled him back in. he...
Dear People Who Take Pictures Of Themselves,
I’m not sure why you do this. I get it if you photoshop pictures of dead presidents in it, or drunk presidents, or Miley Cyrus, or Eli Manning, but usually you don’t. Usually it’s you in your bedroom with your silly ass poster of a Monet painting in the background while you try to show the good side of your face. Here’s a hint: that side of your face you think is the...
The Delights Of Raising Children
me: if we had kids what would they be like i mean clearly they would be weaned on whiskey Donny: they’d be smoking by elementary school me: i’m sure we’d form meth addictions to cope with the stress of raising children Donny: with frazzled nannies on the verge of nervous breakdowns all the time. me: we would not raise them at all and forget to name them Donny: they’d have...
Dear Cute Indie Hipster Girls,
I’m sick of your bullshit. I’m sick of your short hair cuts. I’m sick of how you have shitty indie things to say about Perfume Genius like “Hadreas delivers this concession with an air of lyrical optimism that is matched by the song’s sonic warmth and comparatively strong instrumental build, suspending a soft tension and honest emotional purity throughout.” What...
October 2012
4 posts
An Interview With Sarah: The Girl Who Farted 100...
This is an interview with Sarah. Who on one miraculous day in August 2012 farted 100 times in one day.
Q: Okay, Sarah, I think the question on everyone’s mind is— did you fart 100 times in a row?
Sarah: No. I didn’t count but I must have farted at least fifteen times over dinner. And then I was watching Degrassi when I started counting and I got up to ninety so I figured I must...
September 2012
2 posts
August 2012
12 posts
A Short Story Based On "Mercy" by Big Sean
Big Sean drove his new Lamborghini Mercy down Sunset Blvd. wondering what it was all for. Honestly, his Lambo wasn’t what he expected. It broke all the time. He was constantly afraid it was going to get stolen. Big Sean was constantly afraid everything was going to get stolen. He stared at the bright lights, at the clubs, at the blonde girls in high heels screeching in delight. He saw a...
Short Story Based On "Marvin's Room" by Drake
She left the club early that night. She was watching reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians and drinking a cup of chamomile tea. Her man just released a new single so she knew he wanted to pop champagne and smoke blunts with his boys. She didn’t like him when he was high but she’d never tell him that. It was nearly 2:30 and she was about to close her eyes and fall asleep when the...
